Camping and TD pics..

Our First Outting in our TD....

So we finally got the new Tear Drop and decided to take it out for maiden voyage this last weekend. Not wanting to go too far from home on our first trip, we decide to just go up North a bit to Bartlett Lake. I'm not a big fan of lake camping due to all the trash that tends to flock there. It never seems to matter how nice the lake is, something about free large bodies of water attracts the epitome of white trash, beer drinking drunken fools. And yet, there we were...

The camping trip was fun. Easy set up..Pull in, detach the TD, open up the back, display our lei and Tiki Bar sign, set out the chairs and we're ready for camping!

The evening was a lot of fun. Went for a swim in the lake while it was still hot out, had some drinks by the water and watched the sunset. Around sunset we went up to our Tiki Drop and built a nice fire to continue our evening. Listened to some nice music, chatted, watched the stars...entertained visits from one of the little girls camping next door (who by the way became my best friend. She was nine, her name was Audrey and she told me she thought I was REALLY cool!!!) It was a great evening. Stayed up later than I normally do, but once bedtime turned into the camper for a good nights sleep. It was way more comfy than expected. Riley didn't even growl at us once! (you know, taking all of his bed space and all)....

All was good other than at 4:00 the white trash camping neighbors decided to turn their car on and blast the stereo (they were camped down from us, but there car was by us). Apparently, standing outside their car with the keys in so you get the 'ding, ding ding' sound, along with the ghetto punk music blasting, was way more fun than being assholes at their camp spot. So, after a bit of that, then MJ getting up and requesting in a not so friendly voice to turn their car off (which they did andd apologized about a dozen times, but stood there yelling like punks till sun rise), needless to say we didn't get much rest after that. We tossed and turned till about 7 then got up, closed up the Tear and drove our tired, slightly hungover, asses home. The best part was we wanted Habenero's for breakfast...so we stopped on the way home, it was 9:40 and they didn't open till 10. We decided we should just wait, after all it was 9:45 am and chicken fajitas sounded damn good. However, I was sooo tired, I just wanted to lie down. So, we're in a parking lot in Scottsdale, at about 9:30 am, and I decide to go lie down in the back of the TD. I took Riley with me and we climb in. He's looking at me like "have you lost your bloody mind lady?"... "We're in a freakin parking lot for Christ Sake!!!". Then MJ comes to sit on the bed with the door open, then realizes she didn't take time to brush her teeth before we packed up, so of course, she pulls out a the pre-pasted disposable toothbrush from the toiletries container in the TD and proceeds to brush her teeth, while sitting in the TD, with the door open, in a parking lot, by a restaurant, in Scottsdale, on a Saturday morning..... We both started laughing so hard. We decided we had reached a new low and added a new level to the term 'trailer trash'. Perhaps we should have turned around and headed back to the lake....

I'll post the few we took camping soon, complete with Hulu Girl/Booby glass.

Posting from Riley

So things have been super busy lately, but great! For those I haven't spoken with (yes, I need to work on this whole blog thing), but I got a new job! I'm still wanting to post more but all I can say is if are close to me, you know how stressful my current job has been and some of the 'issues' I've been dealing with for the past 2 years. So, now I'm off to another company, Director of Operations, back with 2 guys I worked with for 11 years and a few others I know, flexible hours and hopfully much larger bonuses! At the very least.... I will be able breathe! Fresh air.. work in a non catty, productive environment. I'm so very excited. Thursday is my last day where I am then I'm off to Oregon for a long weekend then start my new job next week. I am so hopeful this will be a wonderful step on a new and wonderful path!

Now for the real post... thought we could all use a laugh. For those of you that know Riley (my dog), you will SOO understand this post and it will make you laugh. If you don't know him, I apologize, as it's probably going to seem rude and ignorant, hence the importance of knowing Riley! Anyhow, this was his answers to the Friend 2009 Survey that's going around where you answer questions about yourself... Here are his answers.. Little punk.......

2009 Friend SurveyWelcome to the 2009 edition of getting to know your Friends. ' press FORWARD ' then change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known!

1. What time did you get up this morning? wHen bItCh gOt uP
2. Diamonds or pearls? lEaTher
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? doG toWn aNd tHe Z bOyz
4. What is your favorite tv show? HBO rEal SeX
5. What do you eat for breakfast? mEat
6. What is your middle name? JackSon MCGarNagLe RoOsTeR CogBurN NeStEr FuRloNg thE XXIII
7. What food do you dislike? vEgeTabLes
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? cHoPped, sCreWed, liVe anD unplugged - kOrN
9. What kind of car do you drive? mOnsTer TruCk with rEbel FlAg paInt
10. Favorite sandwich? ChOpPed lIvEr wIth CaMenBerT cHeeSe
11. What characteristic do you despise? nOt lIkinG wAlks, oR nOt sharing (slIm jIms)
12. Favorite item of clothing? JiNglE bells (aKa shOes)
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? IrElanD
14. Favorite brand of clothing? cHronIc
15. Where would you retire to? OrEgoN
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 10th
17. Favorite sport to watch? wOrlD wIde rEstlIng
18.. Furthest place you are sending this? GhEtto

19. Person you expect to send it back first? ? none – lOosers
20. When is your birthday? nOv 2
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? sUnDoWn
22. What is your shoe size? 1/2
23. Pets rIcky tHe GaY biRd, LuCy thE wH0re biRd, PoKo thE punk geckO, ChAloTte the Bi*cH GeckO anD FisHie
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I lOst 1 pOunD!!!
25. What did you want to be when you were little? A pItBull
26. How are you today? hIgh
27. What is your favorite candy? sLim jIm
28. What is your favorite flower? AnYthIng I cAn peE oN
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? 17th

30. What is your full name? RiLey JackSon MCGarNagLe RoOsTeR CogBurN NeStEr FuRloNg thE XXIII
31. What are you listening to right now? rIckY (mY bIrd) singing like a ToOl!!!!
32. What was the last thing you ate? bIscuIt
33. Do you wish on stars? I Can”t sEe theM
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? tHe mElted oNe
35. How is the weather right now? sUckS
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? NikE
37. Favorite soft drink? MoNstEr
38. Favorite restaurant? In N oUt
39. Real hair color? BlAck, wHitE anD brOwn
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? bAbY hEaRts
41. Summer or winter? WiNteR42. Hugs or kisses? Kisses kisses kisses!!!!
43 Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream? cAn I jUsT have whipped CrEam?
44. Coffee or tea? ColT 45
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? NO
46. When was the last time you cried? CrYinG is fOr P*ssyS
47. What is under your bed? mY sTasH
48. What did you do last night? KnOckEd uP my wH*RE
49. What are you afraid of? nO mOre sLim JimS oR a SkiNNy giRlFriEnd
50. Salty or sweet? salty
51. How many keys on your key ring? I sTeaL mOm’s
52. How many years at your current job? I wAs lAid OfF… on unEmplOyMent
53. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
54. How many towns have you lived in? 2
55. Do you make friends easily? No
56. How many people will you send this to? 2
57. How many will respond? 0

" I need a miracle, a new beginning."

And my prayers were answered..... I have amazing news that I cannot wait to share!

For security purposes I must wait until tomorrow.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!!!.......

The Bitch is back....

"I can bitch, I can bitch`Cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do
I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names"

This is the song in my head today. Gotta love Elton John! Though I must say I miss those stylin glasses from the 70's! I think we all should rock the 70's just a bit more. Some swanky bell bottoms, 6 inch platform shoes...polyester, and my favorite, the FRO! I tell ya, if I could sport a fro I would be all about that. I see this kid in my neighborhood, walking around with his fro and you just know he has to be cool. Anyone self assured enough to sport a fro these days, we'll you just know they're a cool cat. Yeah... bell bottoms, platforms and a fro. I could work that look.

So yeah, this is me... stuck in the 70's today... Listening to Elton... The Bitch is Back!!

This is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm getting so sick and tired of it I don't even know what to say, but in the meantime, check out this link...
http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/starthere.html

Amazing how I had the perfect job that I loved until I got a promotion. It's simply unbelievable how much things can change. And I wonder why working takes everything out of me leaving me no energy for my real life.

THAT, is going to change.

This is my meditative prayer for the day:

Let me have new energy.
Let me have a new sense of purpose.
Let me not feel guilty about the expression of my power, let me no longer play small, regardless of other people's reactions to me when I play big.
For I now open my mind to possibilities I have not dreamed of, to forces of life I have not allowed in, and to realms of joy I have hardly imagined.
I let go.
I release everything that blocks me in this endeavor, from my past, my present and from my future. I need a miracle, a new beginning.
Let me have faith to know the universe shall take care of me as I take care of it.

It's been one of those weeks....

I don't want to disappear just because I don't feel well. There are times that if that's how this will be, I may not post for days, weeks, or sadly months at a time. When the struggles from my health kick in it takes every bit that I have to make it to work each day. Just keeping my job takes all the energy I possibly have to give, and sadly, even some I don't. That's how this week has been. It hasn't left much free time for fanciful thoughts or daydreaming. Just a chore to get out of bed and get to work, then go back home and back to bed. I haven't felt like talking, writing, reading, walking Riley, even watching tv would take too much energy. So this week has been a hiding under the covers waiting for the newest downturn to pass kind of week.

I am grateful though, the intense ones seem to be further between and when I do regain some of my strength and energy, the 'good' days are much better than they used to be. So, I'm thankful.

I should have known it was coming on. I was feeling so good last week. Creative, hopeful, energetic (ok, energetic for me). That's usually the first sign. Apparently my body doesn't have the energy to allow for too many good, fun days in a row. Friday came, I felt good. Hung out with Mariah and we had a nice fun evening at home. Music, firepit outside, fish and chips, yes, it was a fun day. Then Saturday we enjoyed an outing to the Aloha Fest. That was a blast! It was almost 90 degrees and I was able to walk around outside! Now that peeps, is a true blessing! Last year being outside in 90 degrees would have me running to the nearest toilet to heave and vomit for the next 20 minutes. Sorry for the graphics, thats just how it was. It only happened on average a few times a day. Wow, that was misery! So I'm walking around, listening to fabulous music, seeing all the art, buying some new board shorts, a sarong or two, a few plumeria cuttings that I'm trying to grow, even some fabric to make curtains for our new Teardrop and just having a wonderful time. Even sat at the beer garden for a couple of beers (it's been sooo long since I've been able to enjoy beer without becoming nauseated). It was truly a great day. Went back home, relaxed.. a friend stopped over for a drink, then it started. The spinning.

I hate the spinning. One moment I'm happy and feeling well, the next I become overly happy, my eyes start to swell, fluid immediately builds up in my body causing me to gain 10 lbs in an hour at times and suddenly my balance is gone, I'm slurring my words, becoming belligerent. It's humiliating. Honestly. Yes, you could say I'd had too much to drink, but that's not it. Trust me. There are times it happens and I've hardly had anything at all. But it does happen when I've been running, and feeling good, and having fun. Then I feel like an ass. It knocks me down a notch or two. Or three. Saturday wasn't the worst one though. I went on to bed, after becoming sick at my stomach and deciding that was best way out, and awoke Sunday feeling fine. Some errands, some planting in the backyard, a nice afternoon visit with Paul, Helen and Mateo, it was good times. Nice dinner of grilled fish tacos, (with all the condiments straight from the local carniceria, yum!!) and early bedtime. I'm ready for the week.

Or so I thought. Monday was not a good day, but I had promised my brother I'd stop by his place and with my new little nephew growing like a weed, that's what I did. An hour or two at his house, a few laughs and guess what.. I start to spin. At first I think I'm okay. Only once I got home and went to walk Riley and realized the unsteadiness of my gait and my slurring speech did I realize how bad it was getting. Once home the nausea, confusion and fatigue hit so hard that without saying a word, I'm on the bed. I'm done. I'm too dizzy to even get up and get ready for bed. Mariah gets me situated for the night and takes care of everything else around the house I had yet to do, like feed Riley for example. Thank God for her. I honestly don't know what I would do without her sometimes.

Tuesday morning I felt dead. It took everything I had to get up and ready for work. The dizziness was back. The puffy face. The brain fog and slowed speech, not being able to find the right words. I couldn't wait to go home and go to bed. That's exactly what I did. In bed at 2:30, up at 4:00, in bed at 5:00, up at 5:45 for dinner, back in bed for the night at 6:45. Doesn't that sound like fun?

The rest of the week has been just getting through. It's like the living dead. That's what it feels like. You go through the motions of life, doing just enough to get by, feeling nothing really but emptiness and exhaustion and praying to wake up and it be gone for a while. Fearing it's next return, but grateful that the visits are fewer and fewer between, and for as ugly and miserable as it is, when I look back, it's truly nothing to how it used to be.

Sometimes I feel that I've lost the last year and half of my life to this. I get so frustrated. When will it end? Other times, like today, when I can think, I'm not spinning, and I have a desire to live, and do, and think and experience, and love and all those other wonderful feelings that are so easy to take for granted, I have to say Thank You. Thank you for this day, and for what I have, and may I be so blessed as to have many more.

Party in a box

“I remember you! You used to come in and get slammed with a couple of your co-workers”. Yes, that’s what I heard yesterday when I sent the text that I had started a blog. A nice young guy I met almost 2 years ago that used to wait on us at one of our favorite restaurants. He had given me his number so we could meet up at Amsterdam sometime and I forgot it was in my phone. After much explaining of who I was and why he received a text from me, that was his reply… Wow. Not a good way to be remembered.

I used to relish in the fact that I was known by many as a “party in a box”. That’s what my old doctor said upon our first meeting. “You’re just a party in a box”. It became an ongoing joke, a label that I carried around with me for years with pride, as if I did something spectacular to deserve it.. as if it was an achievement. I now see it was not.

I do miss being the life of the party, I must say. I miss having the energy to go out with friends, anytime, no matter what. I get so frustrated having to plan my life by how much energy I have. “Gee, no Bro, I can’t get together with you on Sunday because I have a huge meeting Monday, and I will be exhausted.”. “I’m sorry we can’t hang out Saturday, I had such a stressful week I’m wiped out and if I don’t rest, I’ll go into the next getting sick”. It sucks. It truly does.

I actually want to write about what I’ve been through and learned with Lyme. It’s changed me forever. Some of it good, some bad. Nonetheless, huge changes. There are so many different aspects to how this disease has changed my life to write about it at once, well that would be a novel. For today I wanted to comment on a realization that came to me not long ago and I think of daily, especially when someone remembers me as ‘the girl that used to come in and get slammed.’ (No B, that did not offend me at all! It made me laugh, and kind of sad, so don’t think I took offense to the comment, it just made me think.)


You know what I’ve decided is not a good mix?

Depression, followed by meds, then a freak stingray puncture (most pain I’ve ever felt in my life!!) leading to very high cortisol levels for weeks from the trauma, thus crashing the adrenals, which lead to exhaustion and weakened immune system which the doctor thinks is due to EBV, in which he bases a prescription of Provigil which helps with energy, yet exhausted adrenals cause low thyroid which lead to weight gain, which causes one vain woman to seek out a diet doctor who prescribes diet pills, that work fantastically by the way, so now the tired, chubby woman is becoming thin again, with energy coming from 3 uppers, so she’s a full party in a box! Goes out all the time, is getting slim and sexy again, can drink anyone under the table (or so she thought, never realizing how often she made a fool of herself and how lucky she was that her friends loved her anyhow). She’s now rarely sleeping, she’s up late, having fun, working 70 hours a week, traveling twice a month.. Wow, life is great!! Well, guess what friends? The body just can’t handle that abuse. Nope. It certainly can’t. So now that I’m burning the candle from ALL ends, my immune system and my body say “Enough. I’m sick of how your abusing me and taking me for granted and you’ve pushed me as far as I can go. I’m done.”. That little tick bite (I’ve had many) filled with that lovely Borrelia burgdorferi bacteria that my body had most likely lived with and fought to keep at bay for so many years, well, with an exhausted body and weakened immune system the body just couldn’t fight anymore. So the little Lyme won. At least for a while.

It’s taken me so long to fully grasp how my life was tearing me down, and at the point I started realizing it, I was so sick and so low there was nothing I could do but lie in bed and think about it. How did it happen? Why me? What caused it? After over a year of illness and soul searching and days in bed, and lost contact with friends I’m finally starting to realize that my body will never be ever to heal itself if I don’t heal ME. The mind and the body are truly amazing gifts that we should never take for granted. They may not ALWAYS be there for us. I’ve learned that the hard way.

So, today’s lesson in recap, NEVER mix the following:

1) Depression and anti-depressants
2) Stingrays
3) Prescriptions for ‘energy’
4) Prescription diet pills
5) Too much alcohol
6) Too little rest
7) Lack for respect for ourselves and our bodies

It’s a hard lesson, but keep that one in mind kids. You won’t regret it.

C'mon, shed a TEAR..drop

Last night I’m sitting and thinking of my new blog, with excitement and anticipation of what I want to say next. I had all sorts of thoughts going through my mind. Perhaps I’ll talk about my new venture with mine and Mariah’s Teardrop Camper! ! We’re so excited it should be ready in a few weeks, then we’re off to see the world. I sit and daydream about leaving all this behind and living like gypsies, traveling from cool wooded fields to foggy cliffs by the beach… she’s selling her reggae jewelry (that she started making thanks to my mom teaching her to crochet!), and I could open a taco stand out of the back of our Teardrop. (In case you don’t know what that is… check it out!!!). We could be free to travel and take our time seeing the world never knowing from one day to the next where we would end up… Ahhh that sounds like the life.. Yet, being the ‘bit’ of realist that I am, I realize at this point that would be running away from my problems. I’ve done that once in my life and it didn’t work out so well, so now, reality is.. I need a better plan.
Of course after that thought, I amused myself writing a conversation where Riley, asked me why his Mom is a bitch. I know, I know, kids shouldn’t say those sorts of things, but when you look at him, well, he really does have a point.

I could write pages and pages of the musings of Riley. There’s not a day goes by he doesn’t tell the funniest joke or make fun of me in only a way that he can and I can’t help from feeling so blessed even if I am stressed beyond belief.

I also thought about some of the lessons I’ve learned these past few years and thought about writing on those, but decided I didn’t want my blog to start out as a depressed memoir of sorts that made the readers feel sad or sorry for me. It’s funny, I have been through a lot, but honestly, I am a happy person. I truly have a wonderful life. I have amazing friends, a wonderful friend to enjoy life with, loving family, the best freaking dog in the whole wide world!!!, a beautiful home, a job, a bit of health.. could be better, could be much worse, and at 39 I can still go without a bra without my boobs sagging to my knees, so hey, I have a lot to be thankful for!!!

All these thoughts…what should I write about. I was so excited.. then it happened. Insomnia. Oh my! It was horrible. I awoke around 2:00 from a dream that I was covered in red ants. Of course after that I was itching all over! (Btw, of course I had to look up the meaning of that.. it’s either pending serious illness that’s already started affecting my body, hmmm Lyme? Or it’s annoying people at work invading my space. Gee… could be either!! Not going to worry so much about the ants). So I toss and turn… Riley’s growling at me…. “stop it lady!!! You’re ruining my beauty sleep!!!”, I get down on the floor with a blanket.. I’ve done this since I was a child…if I couldn’t sleep I would put my pillow and blanket on the floor and within no time, I’m snoozing away. No go last night. A couple hours later I realize I only have the chance to get an hour and a half sleep before the alarm. I go to the guest room.. Maybe a darker room, a different bed, maybe then I can go to sleep. 30 minutes tossing in that bed only made me more frustrated, then back to my bed where I find Riley all sprawled out like a ‘plump-when-you-cook-it hot dog’ that growls at me again when I lie down. With 25 minutes to go before the alarm goes off, I ALMOST go to sleep… almost.

So, today I thought about skipping the blog. My mind isn’t exactly feeling creative. The only creativity I’m feeling right now includes pjs and a bed with nice comfy sheets, but I didn’t want to loose my momentum before I even start.

Perhaps I’ll go home and nap and wake up with all sorts of amazing creative thoughts and ideas. Perhaps I’ll dream of red ants again. Maybe Mariah and I will just sit and daydream about being traveling gypsies.. Or maybe I’ll just hope for sleep tonight!!!!

and then it began....

So here I am. My first blog. Sharing my thoughts and my life with the world (okay, so the few that luck upon my site and start reading it!). Where does one even begin? What should I write about first? What would you like to read? How much of myself do I share on a public website? Those are questions I do not have the answers for. In fact, I don’t have a lot of answers right now. So beginning this blog will be for me. To put my thoughts into words in hopes that I will gain more knowledge from them. To open pathways to places I may not have considered without taking the time to ponder. Of course I hope that some of what I have to say finds its way to likeminded souls who can enjoy, learn from or just relate but I shall start with this….

I am on a quest to live freely. Without constraints of time or corporate dictation. I am a free spirit whose soul sometimes feels it’s going to burst if I do not get out and see the world. Take it all in. Enjoy the sights, the smells, the little things that life has to offer that in the end are the very things that have fulfilled us. I no longer want to sit and dream about freedom and living life to the fullest. I want to DO. I have not figured out how I am going to make this journey happen, but I have figured out that I MUST make this journey happen. I feel my soul is slowly dying inside from the stifled corporate, possession driven world I have spent so many years living in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that per say. I spent years working very hard and living a very good life in the process. Yet there’s always been this emptiness. This longing, I could not figure out. I spent years trying to figure it out. Thinking I needed to go back to school, perhaps it was my marriage, perhaps it was being single and lonely, perhaps I was simply depressed. I now see that what I’ve been longing so much for was not ‘something’ in my life, but a new path. Freedom.

During this journey I want to share with you my ups and downs. The triumphs and struggles I’ve known in my life that led me to where I am now. The deep, soulful love I shared with my husband. The pride of going from a poor child in North Carolina growing up in a trailer, to the Manager of an Investment firm with a beautiful house in Scottsdale. The loneness and pain that is felt in your bones when you make a choice in life that you weren’t ready to make and spend years trying to come to terms with those choices and the pain they have caused. The true deep love that I’ve shared with my 11 year old Jack Russell Terrier, Riley that has changed me forever. What it’s like to be the social butterfly with all the life, zest and energy anyone could imagine only to become almost bed bound for a year while struggling with Lyme disease. And what it’s like to slowly re-gain your health and come to the realization that life is too short. There are too many wonderful things to experience in this world to sit on the sidelines hoping for “someday” or that winning lottery ticket, or whatever vessel you may have conjured up to get you out of where you are.

I’m tired of waiting for someday. Or for the winning lottery ticket, not to mention it’s quite difficult to win when you don’t play, isn’t that what they say? (By the way, who are THEY?... I’m tired of living life by what THEY say. I don’t even know who THEY are! When did THEY rule our world? Decide what is silly, or ridiculous, or immature, or unacceptable? I think I’m boycotting THEM. This is my life, it’s my dream. And this, is what I have to say. Holoholo wale...